Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Goodbye Atty

Today I find it hard to write, so much of what I want to say feels so unimportant in the light of the sadness and grief I feel. I have lost a friend. She died on the weekend- slipping away after being ill in the morning. I lost Atty . A tiny little black and white goat that came to me traveling the the tool box of Greg's bike. Small , shivering and alone- this little creature came into our lives and blessed it in a way that is hard to explain. If you only believe that friendship needs to take human form than much of what I write and share from my heart will elude you. It will be put down to impractical sillness . I am silly then and happy to be so. For I have found a wonderful friendship in a little bundle. A comfort that I am grieving for. I never minded the need to mix up bottles of milk for her or going out in the rain to feed her several times a day. I rejoiced in watching her grow, poke an inch of her little horns to the surface. Or how wonderful she felt in my arms - soft and furry with little sighs of contentment. Or the sheer joy she took in life .The need to skip everywhere . To jump and race. Or the uncontained joy she showed when she saw or heard me. My last memories of Atty would be the little tail wagging - inspite of how ill she must have been. How she made an effort to call out to me when she heard my voice, even then. Both Greg and I have lost some of the joy that used to fill Mystic Hills. There is a presence missing. Absent . And my soul grieves so much for her. Atty would share mornings with me. Watch sunsets while skipping and dancing around my feet. She would take long walks with us in the evening as we put our day to rest. She was my friend , my companion , my confidante.

It grieves me so much to know that I was not here when Atty died. I cannot forgive myself for that. For not letting her know I was with her and that we cared for her. I ache to think she died alone. In my utter foolishness I was miles away trying to extend a hand in friendship to some who had no intention of ever seeing me or returning my love. I wasted moments. Moments that I could have shared with my friend as she died. Why do we do it? Ignore the love and beauty we already have in the pursuit of what does not matter. I lost much this weekend - my dear little friend and part of my self - discounted for sale for people who do not matter.

My little sweetness lies buried under a tree - in a grave ringed with stones , strewn with flowers and a little angel. How huge a hole such a small creature can leave in one's heart.And what powerful a lesson to impart. My little Atty - you have my love and a piece of my heart. Always.

"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Gilded Pathways

Last weekend we travelled back to the region of my youth. A place I have always called home. The occasion, the fiftieth birthday of a friend and hunting buddy. We stopped at a beachside campground that had been a part of many fun times as a young man. The evening was spectacular as is often the case in that part of the world and while meandering along below the beach cliffs we watched the sun desend toward the horizon over the sea. At one point, as the light peeked through the clouds, a golden pathway was laid on the surface of the ocean. It began at the horizon and grew toward us as the sun moved. Truly, it was awe inspiring to watch this shimmering pathway extend to our very feet. I felt the invitation to walk out upon it, to accept the challenge to leave the shore and believing in the impossible discover the unknown.

Instead, I continued on to a party with old friends in a hall I had helped renovate in the community of my childhood and early adulthood. Many neighbours and friends and family were there and I anticipated a great time. It was not to be. Yes I was welcomed by old friends, but I bcame aware of a strange phenomonen. While I was with people I knew and had known for 20-40 yrs I was no longer a part of their world. At some time in my life I have swum out of the rock pool type environment of that community and begun swimming in the ocean. I confess to it being an erie feeling, present yet not engaged.

The pathway in the sea began to have greater meaning. What is behind is behind, no matter how good or bad, meaningfull or meaningless. There is always a pathway ahead that remains unknown to us until it is revealed by each step we take and looking back for meaning or security obscures our vision forward. I accepted the invitation of the gilded pathway this week. It will mean walking ever further away from that which is behind me. The very act of moving forward dictates that what is before me today is behind me tommorow. Now is the time I have, to enjoy and decide how I will act and to what I will give my love and energy.

I only get today. I am challenged by a golden pathway in the sea to spend today with those who are with me today. To love those who recieve my love. To be friends with those who are friends. I cannot force tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed.

Two paths extend

One before and one behind

Which I shall look down

Is a choice, solely mine

The gilded path of sun on sea

Reaches its golden hand to me

But would I turn and face the dim

Look longingly to past old friends

Good was there and many days of joy

That I could wish to again enjoy, but

I no longer live there, though the faces be familiar

The hugs sincere

Those days are gone, not to be despised

Treasured surely if I am wise, yet

Now I stand without, looking in

An ocean fish peering into the rock pools of youth.

For me the width of eternity

Beckoned by light beyond the horizon

A path of gold in a setting sun

Bidding me walk forward into the land of dreams

Leave the shores of certainty

Eroding after their fashion

Trusting to the ever shifting waters of freedom

Each step changing the path from now to then

From before to behind

Breathing only what is now

Dare I?

copyright: PG Wilson.